Confessions of a once single mom 

  The photo above is of my son and I. This is how he would cling to me everyday after having to be apart all day. It always makes me want to cry. My son is only 3, and I missed out on a lot of his life. I didn’t always get to be there. I missed milestones, words, I didn’t get to kiss every boo boo, and I spent a lot of time crying. This is the life of a working mom. From the time Aiden was a year and a half, I was non stop working. I didn’t have someone there supporting us, I was building our life simply on my own. I can’t tell you how many times I had to have a daycare teacher peel my screaming child off me, or finally picked my son up and he was out for the night. I always wished I could have been home with my baby, that I had deserved a man that would have taken care of us and provided what we needed to survive. Now today, I have Aiden (3.5) and Karsyn (4mth) and I have the privilege to stay home with my babies. That’s right, being a stay at home mom IS a privilege! Emmitt works his life away so I can be home with these kids. Not all men will do this, as I know from my own experience. There’s been times where he’s been gone for weeks on and weeks off. I see so many moms saying they feel like they’re single moms because their S/O is out working all the time. I can’t help but think they have no clue what they are talking about. They have a man, working his whole life away so so you can be home with those children of yours, instead of dropping them off at the daycare to go work. A man who works so they can buy that new outfit for their baby, or that $5 Dutch brother coffee that probably took their man 20 minutes to earn. I wouldn’t trade being a stay at home mom for the world and I’m thankful that Emmitt gives me the privilege to do so! I don’t have to lay in bed at night and worry about a babysitter in the morning, I can make a pot of coffee and lay on my couch in the morning with the kids and watch Paw Patrol every god damn day.  

 I’m the one who gets to tuck my kids in at night and tell them how much they’re loved, all because of Emmitt. I would never disrespect him and tell him I feel like a single mother because he works so hard to give us everything we’ve ever wanted. Being a single mom, means you’re solely on your own. Physically, emotionally, fiancially. However, I am not a single mom any longer. I wouldn’t trade this time with my kids for the world. Now I’m gonna sit back and enjoy this hot cup of coffee that I wouldn’t be drinking right now if I didn’t have my Emmitt.  

 

Sacrifices 

I never imagined a life for my son where he would ask me if he lives at Mom’s or Dad’s. I never imagined I’d be arguing over who gets him on holidays, or if he brushed his teeth while visiting. I see so many parents (mothers in particular) holding their children back from their other parent. Aiden’s dad and I will never see eye to eye. Sometimes I think I would like to never drop my baby back off there, but what good would that do for Aiden? Sure I’d be hurting his dad but Aiden would hurt the most. Even though I don’t agree with the choices his dad makes, Aiden is innocent. He doesn’t see bad in either of us. Nothing but pure happiness. All I ever wanted was for my children to grow up in a happy home with a loving mother and father. Even though I’m trying so hard to make our life as normal as possible for him, I can’t change the reality of his situation. I hate sending him back and fourth, confusing him. I hate him coming home and telling me things he does there that I would never let him do. I hate the fact that he’s getting older and realizing he’s being juggled around. Even though it sucks, and I don’t want to send him back and fourth I know I’m doing what’s best for him. Choosing to keep him to myself would be selfish and not only would it hurt Aiden but in the long run, I would hurt myself. Aiden would one day resent me for keeping him from his dad. Even though we broke up, Aiden didn’t. Sometimes when I’m feeling bad, I have to remind myself of this. I am a good mom, I have nothing but my children’s best interest in mind, and I need to remember that. 

Liebster Award

   I was nominated for the Liebster award by mycupofsweettea for the Liebster award! The Liebster award is to help new small bloggers to get noticed. Thank you so much for nominating me Cassy. If you don’t follow her, make sure you do! I love reading up in sweet Avery and the little Willis fam, they are truly amazing. Here are my questions: 

What is your biggest success so far in life? So far my biggest success in life was probably graduating high school in 2014. I’m very proud of being able to finish when I had no help with my son to be able to finish school. I was working full time, going to school, and taking care of my son on my own. I worked so hard to get that diploma and every time I see it, it makes me so happy. 

What is your biggest day to day struggle? My biggest day to day struggle is getting up in the mornings. Taking care of my three and a half year old, and almost 4 month old is beyond exhausting. When having my second, I definetly didn’t know what was coming my way! 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 5 years, I’ll hopefully be done with school, and working in law enforcement. My dream is to become a police officer, and I want to work in corrections for a while. I want to show my kids that even though I had them young, I still went and persued my dreams and gave then the life they deserve. Also in all honesty, I’ll be at a bar because I will be able to finally legally drink and from what my kids like to put me through, I’ll deserve it.  

What is your favorite thing to do when you have “me” time? SHOWER. Isn’t that all moms favorite? I thought before I had Karsyn I was a mess. I clearly didn’t know what it meant to be a mess because lately if I even put on matching clothes after not showering in two days I feel like I really have my sh*t together. 

Why did you start blogging? I started blogging because my friend Whitney (morningteawithwhitney ) was blogging, and I loved it! I loved what she was writing about, and I thought why not? Why not share some of my life and experiences with the world since everyone is so interested in my life anyways? No I didn’t mean that in a conceited way, but when you have two kids at 19 in a small town everyone and their mother knows who you are. No kidding, I’ve more then once been through a drive thru or local store where the young girl working calls me by my first name and I have absolutely no clue who she is, but she clearly follows me on Instagram. Haha! 

Who is your biggest blog inspiration? I actually don’t really have one yet! I mostly just follow local people I know right now, and trust me they’re great. However, I’m not so deep into blogging yet where I’m inspired by anyone! 

What is your favorite movie? My favorite movie will always be Mean Girls. (Cliché, I know.) 

How did you pick your blog name? I decided to go with a blog name that best describes my life, without sounding crazy. By that I mean, I didn’t want to be “momwholivesoffcoffeeandherkidsmakehernuts.” I chose a different kind of 19 simply because, that’s my life. I am not an everyday 19 year old. My life is nothing but chaotic! 

When is your favorite time to blog? My favorite time to blog is whenever a post comes to mind. I like to write things that are intriguing and dare my audience in, if I posted everything I do everyday you guys would eventually get bored. I like topics people can relate to, and I never know when those are going to come to mind. My last post “The perfectly imperfect” came to me while driving and I actually pulled off the road to write it! 

What is your favorite season and why? I’m a summer girl. I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. Moving to Washington was a huge adjustment because as a child, seeing rain was the most amazing thing ever, and snow? Snow was only in our dreams. 

What is the best advice you have for new bloggers? The best advice I can give is, be creative. Be yourself. 

Now I nominate: 

  1. fatgirleatschina 
  2. adventureswithaddyrae 
  3. raisingaprincessnamedpenelope 
  4. sweeticedteaforme
  5. thetravelingrookie    

Here are your 11 questions: 

  1. What is your biggest goal in life? 
  2. What is the most crazy thing you’ve ever done? 
  3. What made you want to start a blog? 
  4. What is one thing in your life, that never fails to make you happy? 
  5. Who do you look up to? 
  6. What do you think is your best blog post so far? 
  7. You have a day all for yourself. Unlimited money, you can go anywhere, what do you do? 
  8. What do you hope to accomplish in the coming year? 
  9. What is your biggest weakness? 
  10. What was your most embarrassing moment? 
  11. What do you hope people get from reading your blog? 

And here are the rules: 

  1. Mention and thank the blogger who nominated you. 
  2. Answer the 11 questions.
  3. Nominate small bloggers and add their blog link. 
  4. Create 11 new questions for your nominees. 
  5. Let your nominees know they were nominated (easiest way is to comment on their blog post.)  

Thank you Cassy once again for nominating me!

The perfectly, imperfect. 

In the time we live in, our lives are consumed by social media. We’re all in constant fear of what someone we went to school with, but never actually met might think of us. You can say you’re not, but we are all guilty of it at some point. What I’ve really noticed, is everyone in their relationships are so happy. I know I post about Emmitt and I quite a bit, and I always say the truth. I love that man with all my heart. No one can make me laugh harder, or love stronger then my Emmitt. What you don’t see is, no one can make me more angry, or even want to kill more then my Emmitt. We live a very adult life at a very young age, and that does strain our relationship from time to time. Bills, parenting, “it’s your turn to do the dishes!” Couples are constantly criticized for arguing. I used to keep everything to myself, I didn’t even want to tell my own mother we were fighting because I was afraid of people thinking down upon our relationship. Over the last few months I’ve taught myself a very important lesson, arguing is healthy. It’s normal. We are not the only couple that argues, even yells from time to time. Sometimes the only way to get your point across to your partner is through arguing. I know for fact when I’m being my stubborn self, the only way Emmitt is going to get his point to me is by getting upset. I don’t always take him seriously, and he doesn’t always take me seriously.  

 We are so much alike. Hard headed, obnoxious, he’s the male version of myself. That’s exactly why we go so perfect together, and exactly why we find ourselves arguing over and over. I used to see other people online looking so happy and think “wow, I wish Em and I never fought. They don’t.” Now I know the truth. That couple who looks so happy online, does fight sometimes. That same couple, probably looks at my posts and thinks the same about us. Arguing is all part of being in a relationship. Getting over it, admitting you’re wrong, kiss and make up. These are all crucial parts of a strong relationship. At the end of the day, I know I’m beyond happy. I’m in love with the man I’m with and I wouldn’t want to fall asleep by anyone else every night. I love you Emmitt.  

 

Hurricane Karsyn

When I think back to when I became pregnant with my son Aiden at just 15, I remember how many people “supported” me. So many of my peers and people I had never even met were telling me how amazing I was, how I was a roll-model for choosing life for my baby at such a young age. You would think that then, when I was only 15, a sophomore in High School, living with my parents, not knowing how to take care of a child, I wouldn’t have been a “roll-model.” Shortly (and I mean very shortly) after I had Aiden I knew things wouldn’t work out with his dad. He wouldn’t even stay to help me at night with the baby, he lived in the opposite town and couldn’t miss a day of school, so I had to sacrifice going to school. I have been Aiden’s sole provider since he was first born. With all the obstacles I had to overcome, I ended up with Emmitt. I had never been so in love with anyone, the man is still to this day my very best friend. In October of 2014, we found out that we were expecting.  

  We were very nervous at first, as anyone would be finding out about an un-planned pregnancy but we were ready. We had our own home together, we were both making good money, had great safe cars. We weren’t some teenagers who still needed mom and dad to pay for things, or help us out. We moved away solely on our own, to start our own family together. After getting out of the fear of miscarriage point of pregnancy, we happily shared the news to the world in December of 2014.  

 We were so excited! That’s where the story changes, we were expecting so much happiness and excitement (which don’t get me wrong, we did get.) but the amount of disgusting feedback we got, was insane. I was not expecting any of it, considering when I had my son three years prior I was supposedly a roll-model. I didn’t understand, why was it that since my son’s father never stepped up for us, never took care of us, hell for months before I finally called it off he wouldn’t come see us except maybe once every two weeks or so, that I didn’t deserve to move on? Was I never supposed to have more children because my children would have different fathers? Even though I was 18 when I had my second, that was my business. I didn’t feel 18 because I had to grow up so fast.   

  

 Those are some examples of what everyone had to say about our exciting news. I had another one sent to me posted by the same girl, stating that she was worried about my kids well-being. My kids well-being?! You’ve got to be kidding me right? I would die for my children. I take care of them, I do everything for them, who is this person that has never even personally met me to be talking about my children’s well-being? I thought about crossing them out, so you couldn’t see who posted them but then I thought why would I? These were posted publically. Here’s the reality of my situation, I am not the first mother with two fathers for their children, and I won’t be the last. Almost everyone I know, even my own boyfriend, my mom, my Bestfriend all have a half sibling. Does that make their mothers bad moms, or their fathers bad dads? Absolutely not. I chose what was best for my son and I, and I wouldn’t change our life at all. Growing up, my children will never know they are half siblings. They won’t see a difference between two siblings with the same father, and themselves. Aiden loves his sister with all his heart, he is the best big brother ever! I’m proud of where my family is today. How many 19 year olds work great paying jobs and own their own house? We’re the only ones I know of. As for myself, I now know what it feels like to have people trying to publically humiliate you, and it’s not a good feeling. However, I didn’t let it bring me down and it only made me realize the kind of person I don’t want to be. The kind of person I will not let my children grow up to be. My daughter Karsyn is a blessing. She has brought so much joy into our lives and I’m thankful to be a young mother, because that just means I’ll get to spend more of my life with them my side.  

 

A life long friend

1,094. That’s how many miles have been between us for the last nine years of our lives. How is it that two girls can hold on to a friendship for so long with such great distance? Simple. We don’t have just a friendship, but a sisterhood.  

 Every time I have exciting news the first person I want to tell is her. Every time I need to vent to someone, she’s the first one I call. Every time I want to cry to someone, she’s who I wish could be here. From going door to door to sell cupcakes to earn money for plane tickets, to hysterically crying when it’s time to say goodbye again, all my best memories have included her. Having a life long friend is the most priceless gift that I am thankful for everyday. Through everything life has thrown my way, I’ve always counted on her as my backbone. To pick me back up when I feel like I can’t go any further. Everyone thinks they have a best friend, but no one in this world has one like mine. Here’s to another year of friendship, another year of growing up together at heart, but miles apart. Happy 19th Birthday to my half who makes me whole, I love you Kiana.  

 

Shit 3 year olds say

As thankful as I am to have my son out of the “terrible twos,” nothing compares to having a “Threenager.” Three is a very curious age, everything is why? What? How? I find myself constantly answering a question at least five times before saying BECAUSE I SAID SO. Children at this age have absolutely no filter. Some things that have come out of my child’s mouth have made me seriously cringe, other times I have to turn around and clench my whole body so he doesn’t realize I’m laughing at him. He’s learning, everything fascinates him. I know one day I’ll be laughing at all this, but as of right now in life I’m in constant fear of taking my child in public because of what could potentionally come out of his mouth. Here’s a few embarrassing remarks my child has made over the last few weeks. 

  • Old lady says “Hello there handsome boy!” Aiden says “Don’t talk to me, you’re a stranger, I don’t like strangers.” 
  • Woman with very short hair checking us out in Target, Aiden says “Excuse me, are you a boy or a girl?” 
  • “Why doesn’t sissy have boobs, since she’s a girl?” 
  • “Mom, why is my wee-wee big in the morning?” 
  • Our neighbor says hi, Aiden looks up and says to me “Why is he black?” 
  • Lady in the store says “Do you like being a big brother?” Aiden says “Sometimes, sister crys a lot I think she wants to go back in Mommy’s butt.” 
  • Driving in the car “Emmitt, is Dick a bad word?” Yes Aiden, don’t say that. “But it’s my Grandma Judy’s brother’s name.” Ok you can say it when you’re talking about him. Aiden says “Ok, Emmitt, you’re a dick!” 
  • Aiden being bratty, Grandma says “Aiden’s being a cry baby!” Aiden says “I’m very disappointed in you Keeta, don’t even look at me.”    

Having a little person is so entertaining, but mentally draining. Sometimes he puts me in a position where my mind blanks and all I can do is appologize whatever painfully true statement that came from the mouth of my child. So to whoever my child will offend next, I’m very sorry. 

  

19 going on 30

I am not your every day teenager. Even though I’m a recent high school graduate I’m not starting college, I’m not living at home still, or partying with friends. I wake up every day next to the love of my life and am greeted by two bright eyed babies, well, if greeted means screaming then that’s what I mean. I am a mother of a three year old and one month old and yes I am only 19 (actually 18, 19 in ten days), this may seem crazy to most people but it’s my normal. Some people wonder how I do it, how I managed to still finish school, pay bills and honestly I have no idea. I didn’t realize how strong of a woman I was, until I had to be. Even though nothing’s been easy or handed to us, it’s been worth it. This may seem like a crazy life style to my fellow peers who have started to further their education and are planning their lives, but this is the path I chose. Even though I never intended on being a mother so young, I never had a plan other then being a mom. I knew what I wanted after school was to have a family. I never had dreams of college or a specific job, I always dreamed of a happy home, husband, and children. I will never regret the choices I have made because even though my life is not perfect, it’s perfectly imperfect. I wouldn’t trade an up all night- night with a sick child, a bedtime story, or a goodnight kiss for the world. My family means everything to me, and I would lay my life down for them if ever needed. Welcome to the inside of my crazy, beautiful life. ❤️